Hey... Hey you!

Alright. There's one thing that I can't seem to understand.
WHY DO I ALWAYS ATTRACT DAMAGED PEOPLE?

I'm not complaining, I LOVE helping people. But I swear, it seems like all the guys I've ever liked for a substantial amount of time were quite messed up. T- we know his problem, N1- know his too. N2- He's the one I'm not sure anything is wrong with, except for maybe a learning disability and insecurities. Tim- we know his issues. Gross! J- His issues seem to be more extensive than any of the others. Chris- didn't care about himself at all. S- Totally self destructive and depressive yet refuses any possible help.
I can't even think of anymore. I'm SURE there are a few more hurt boys in my past, but that's all I'm thinking of for now.

S,
I wish I didn't care about you like I do. I don't know if you realize how hard it is to sit by and watch you slowly self-destructing. It's harder than you can imagine. I'm sure you remember watching my do something similar, but at least I was looking for help. I found what I needed to find. I'm afraid you won't... Especially when you won't accept anyone's help. I wish you could see the pain you cause in my heart. I understand drinking for social reasons... I really do. I know it doesn't seem like it but I do. You admitted to me that's not why you drink, not like I didn't already guess as much. It is almost enough to make me cry thinking of what could happen to you if you continue on this way. My worst fear is coming to visit you in the hospital when your skin is all yellow and you're skin and bones because your liver is no longer functioning properly. That is something that might happen to me one day because of MY self destruction years past, but I've accepted that. Please don't make it come to that... I know you don't think it will, but I'm scared. I loose people really easily, and we've both fought to stay close. I don't want to loose that. I hope you understand.

I'm not sure if you'll even ever read that. But I had to get it off my chest somehow. Arggg... The wind is howling outside of my window, my stomach is still all in knots, I keep thinking about B's wedding and the pictures, and all my mind keeps coming back to is how I doubt I'll ever find someone who would want to marry me. Who would complete me. I just... can't see it happening. It scares me.

Oh well, I'll try to sleep.
-Tracy