Messes.

I’m a mess. That’s really all there is to it right now. I’m not sure when I started becoming a mess, but it happened. I go through days where I really don’t care about guys and I’m totally happy with where I am in life albeit quiet frightened and uncertain of the future. But who ISN’T afraid of their future at this age? I know plenty of people who are, so I’m trying not to think about that.
So, about being a mess… I wish I didn’t care about him. He’s a dumbass, simple as that. But of course I knew that all along and still I’ve developed feelings for him over the past few years. It didn’t help when he told me, and continues to tell me that he has feelings for me. Apparently strong ones, but I can’t judge that. Since our little summer romance THING, he’s slept with two different girls. I can hardly process the information, let alone try to accept it. When I heard about the first one I wanted to go out and get laid by the first hot guy I saw. How HORRIBLE is that? Actually, you don’t have to tell me because I know. It’s awful, completely and utterly awful. I almost called another dumbass boy to come over because I know he wants me in that sense. Worse thing? I wouldn’t have talked to him again except to get my movies back. Just thinking things like that makes me feel like a whore and a skank and all sorts of other things. Like the female version of a tool… which is exactly what I would have been had I followed through on that desire. Thankfully I didn’t. Now that I know about the second, which was just two days ago, I just want to bitch him out. Tell him not to even try coming with Bethany and Chris. Then again, there’s part of me that is so starved for the kind of attention he would give me when he was here that it almost doesn’t matter. I mean, I could just use him like I’m starting to feel he used me and tell him to screw off after. But by God I’m not that kind of person.
I feel like I’m going to start crying, and there is absolutely no reason for that. I am a strong, capable, independent woman. Everyone says so and I’m starting to believe it myself. Sometimes I even start to believe that I’m beautiful and worth more than I ever though I would ever think of myself. I just think it would feel good to feel beautiful.
My heart has been through a blender quite a few times already, and I refuse to let him put it there again. I’ve just gotten comfortable with how it is now. It may not be perfect, but I’m learning to live with it… With my heart and with myself. I’ve even started to seriously think about my future without as much fear as I have previously. And, thanks to Kaylynn, I found something that, considering I’m able to get a job in the field, is something that I would be very passionate about and would be doing two things that are very dear to my heart: helping people and photography. If things go as I can only hope and pray they will, then I’ll also be helping people in third world countries and be bringing awareness to some things that are horrifying in today’s world. I need to start taking some social work classes though.
Fuck. I can’t stop thinking about him with another girl. I just see him screwing someone who it skinnier and shorter and cuter than I am. I know I’m not gorgeous… I know that about myself no matter what anyone says on the contrary. I’m tall for a girl, I’m big boned, I have a tummy, my hair frizzes way too much, and I can’t do my makeup to where it’s satisfactory. Not to mention all the past girls that I can remember him dating were all that super petite kind of girl… the exact opposite of me. I mean, I know there are guys interested in me… but all they’ve shown interest in is my body and I’m not into that kind of relationship. If I wanted a fuck-buddy I wouldn’t be at a loss to find one. I can think of two off the top of my head. What I really want is a meaningful, caring relationship. I’m not asking for love. Not yet. I realize I’m still young and have time to find someone, but that doesn’t make it any easier to be alone… it’s especially hard when my biological clock is ticking constantly in the back of my mind. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. Add to that the fact that nearly all of my friends have had at least one kid, are pregnant, engaged, or already married. Makes me feel kind of like a failure when it comes to relationships because everyone always thought I would be the first to the alter and first to have a kid. There’s still a chance to beat my brother to have kids, but I’m not really trying to rush that. Especially if I get the job I’ve been thinking about. It would be rather dangerous and I couldn’t put a family through that.
Damn it all… Just let me be happy please.