I know I know.

It's been a goo long while and I know that. But things are HELLA crazy in my life right now. If only I could convey in words to you how crazy it is. Not to mention how stressed I am about going to Italy and possibly being the worst photographer there. Yikes. That would be HORRIBLE.
Right now my brain is going at about a thousand miles an hour and it won't calm down. I'm thinking about love, about who I am, about school, family, and what I want in life. There's so much going on that I'm having a bit of trouble prioritizing. Well, no. I'm not... but it feels like it at this moment in time.
Friends: Everything is about the same there. Made 2 pretty good friends this semester though. One in graphic communications and one in public speaking. I hope they last because they're awesome girls.
Family: My brother and sister in law are moving to California this summer. Super exciting, but that's even farther away than they already are. My parents are coming down to the coast down here for a vacation and I'll get to see them on Sunday for a lunch/ brunch thing.
Love life: I'll know more about this after this weekend. There's a possibility that I may have found someone worth my time. I'll let you know.
School: HELL. That's really all there is to say about that. I'm dying this end of semester and I'm not sure I'll recover quickly at all.

*le sigh*

Here are a few awesome quotes:
"I don't consider myself very wild at all. I'm far more of a homebody. Once or twice a year I'll go to a club with a pack of girlfriends just to dance. I think when you get a high off life, off music, off people, you don't need to partake in things that are unhealthy for your body to have a great time. I think living in the now and savoring every moment is obscenely important."
-Brittany Murphy

"A three word statement does not justify the importance that you have in my life. Instead of saying I love you, I want you to know that no statement in english, or any other language, could possibly capture the very essence of how much I truly treasure your existence."

Hope that was enough of a catch up!
-Tracy

Ridiculous. Periodtheend

So I know I'm ridiculous.
I've liked you since last semester yet haven't done anything about it.
Nor do I know if I'm capable of doing so.
You're such a good person.
I feel inadequate next to you.
I can't seem to forget your hugs.
I'm seeing more of you around campus which is making everything surface again.
When I first met you, I knew I wanted to get to know you but I'm so shy it's really hard for me to do so.
Even though I know you're not someone to NOT get to know someone.
You're on my mind a ridiculous amount of time no matter how I try to NOT think about you or anyone else.

What I would love more than anything right now?
To have a night with you. Just the two of us. Just getting to know each other.
I'm not as ridiculous as I may seem.
Well, maybe I am... but I think there are enough pros to outweigh the cons.
Or heck, maybe you would LIKE my oddities.
And I love your big heart and your outdoor nature.
Just throwing that out there.


I'm pretty sure I could fall for you in a second if I really let myself.

Wild...

Heyyy.
What's up with anyone out there who might be reading this?
Pretty much nothing new with me. I'm just waiting to go to Italy basically. Maybe when I'm there I can... I don't know... prove myself somehow. I'm seriously freaking out that I'm not a good enough photographer to do it for a living.

But hey, that's basically the story of my life anymore.

I have nothing else to worry about except my career, so I worry about that with all the excess worrying I would be using on other things. GREAT.

I mean, no boys in my life, no new friends. I'm just slipping into this pattern of a semi- mundane life. We'll see how this ends up, shall we?

-Tracy

Uh-huh. Right

So I know it's been a while, but nobody reads this thing anyway so it doesn't really matter.

I went to Bee's wedding. It was awesome :) She's starting to really show too. Three months along already! I can hardly believe it! I was the official photographer and it was my first official shoot. It was amazing. A little weird, but also really exhilarating! It was great to get even a small taste of my future career. I didn't think I would be much different after, but I am super motivated and way more excited about everything in my life. Especially my career!

Not much else has been happening in my life. Just taking pictures and keeping up with my friends and school work. Italy is coming up soon, and I'm SUPER excited. SO many pictures to take! Only three weeks to take them! Ahhh!

Ok, enough blabbering.
-Tracy.

Hey... Hey you!

Alright. There's one thing that I can't seem to understand.
WHY DO I ALWAYS ATTRACT DAMAGED PEOPLE?

I'm not complaining, I LOVE helping people. But I swear, it seems like all the guys I've ever liked for a substantial amount of time were quite messed up. T- we know his problem, N1- know his too. N2- He's the one I'm not sure anything is wrong with, except for maybe a learning disability and insecurities. Tim- we know his issues. Gross! J- His issues seem to be more extensive than any of the others. Chris- didn't care about himself at all. S- Totally self destructive and depressive yet refuses any possible help.
I can't even think of anymore. I'm SURE there are a few more hurt boys in my past, but that's all I'm thinking of for now.

S,
I wish I didn't care about you like I do. I don't know if you realize how hard it is to sit by and watch you slowly self-destructing. It's harder than you can imagine. I'm sure you remember watching my do something similar, but at least I was looking for help. I found what I needed to find. I'm afraid you won't... Especially when you won't accept anyone's help. I wish you could see the pain you cause in my heart. I understand drinking for social reasons... I really do. I know it doesn't seem like it but I do. You admitted to me that's not why you drink, not like I didn't already guess as much. It is almost enough to make me cry thinking of what could happen to you if you continue on this way. My worst fear is coming to visit you in the hospital when your skin is all yellow and you're skin and bones because your liver is no longer functioning properly. That is something that might happen to me one day because of MY self destruction years past, but I've accepted that. Please don't make it come to that... I know you don't think it will, but I'm scared. I loose people really easily, and we've both fought to stay close. I don't want to loose that. I hope you understand.

I'm not sure if you'll even ever read that. But I had to get it off my chest somehow. Arggg... The wind is howling outside of my window, my stomach is still all in knots, I keep thinking about B's wedding and the pictures, and all my mind keeps coming back to is how I doubt I'll ever find someone who would want to marry me. Who would complete me. I just... can't see it happening. It scares me.

Oh well, I'll try to sleep.
-Tracy

Oiy Vey..

I think God is present all around me, all the time... even the times I'm not sure I WANT him there, as bad as that is. I am just... not destined to be a whore. It's a simple as that right now I guess. I guess that's a good thing. Dumb ass boys wouldn't know what to do with all this skill! LOL.

Ugh.

Next week at this time, I'll be celebrating Bee's wedding! Ahh! I'm so excited! And I'm really glad that I'll be doing the pictures. My first REAL event that I'm doing :) And it's a small beach wedding at sunset. So sweet.

I don't have much to say today, but I think my "messes" are still there, but more in sight now. I don't think anything is going to happen with J, and I still can't tell about S. I really DO like him, he's just... dumb. And self-destructive. I wish I didn't care about him so much because then it wouldn't be so hard to watch him on his way to self destruction. But what can ya do when someone won't even allow for the IDEA of help? I'm trying though.

-Tracy

Messes.

I’m a mess. That’s really all there is to it right now. I’m not sure when I started becoming a mess, but it happened. I go through days where I really don’t care about guys and I’m totally happy with where I am in life albeit quiet frightened and uncertain of the future. But who ISN’T afraid of their future at this age? I know plenty of people who are, so I’m trying not to think about that.
So, about being a mess… I wish I didn’t care about him. He’s a dumbass, simple as that. But of course I knew that all along and still I’ve developed feelings for him over the past few years. It didn’t help when he told me, and continues to tell me that he has feelings for me. Apparently strong ones, but I can’t judge that. Since our little summer romance THING, he’s slept with two different girls. I can hardly process the information, let alone try to accept it. When I heard about the first one I wanted to go out and get laid by the first hot guy I saw. How HORRIBLE is that? Actually, you don’t have to tell me because I know. It’s awful, completely and utterly awful. I almost called another dumbass boy to come over because I know he wants me in that sense. Worse thing? I wouldn’t have talked to him again except to get my movies back. Just thinking things like that makes me feel like a whore and a skank and all sorts of other things. Like the female version of a tool… which is exactly what I would have been had I followed through on that desire. Thankfully I didn’t. Now that I know about the second, which was just two days ago, I just want to bitch him out. Tell him not to even try coming with Bethany and Chris. Then again, there’s part of me that is so starved for the kind of attention he would give me when he was here that it almost doesn’t matter. I mean, I could just use him like I’m starting to feel he used me and tell him to screw off after. But by God I’m not that kind of person.
I feel like I’m going to start crying, and there is absolutely no reason for that. I am a strong, capable, independent woman. Everyone says so and I’m starting to believe it myself. Sometimes I even start to believe that I’m beautiful and worth more than I ever though I would ever think of myself. I just think it would feel good to feel beautiful.
My heart has been through a blender quite a few times already, and I refuse to let him put it there again. I’ve just gotten comfortable with how it is now. It may not be perfect, but I’m learning to live with it… With my heart and with myself. I’ve even started to seriously think about my future without as much fear as I have previously. And, thanks to Kaylynn, I found something that, considering I’m able to get a job in the field, is something that I would be very passionate about and would be doing two things that are very dear to my heart: helping people and photography. If things go as I can only hope and pray they will, then I’ll also be helping people in third world countries and be bringing awareness to some things that are horrifying in today’s world. I need to start taking some social work classes though.
Fuck. I can’t stop thinking about him with another girl. I just see him screwing someone who it skinnier and shorter and cuter than I am. I know I’m not gorgeous… I know that about myself no matter what anyone says on the contrary. I’m tall for a girl, I’m big boned, I have a tummy, my hair frizzes way too much, and I can’t do my makeup to where it’s satisfactory. Not to mention all the past girls that I can remember him dating were all that super petite kind of girl… the exact opposite of me. I mean, I know there are guys interested in me… but all they’ve shown interest in is my body and I’m not into that kind of relationship. If I wanted a fuck-buddy I wouldn’t be at a loss to find one. I can think of two off the top of my head. What I really want is a meaningful, caring relationship. I’m not asking for love. Not yet. I realize I’m still young and have time to find someone, but that doesn’t make it any easier to be alone… it’s especially hard when my biological clock is ticking constantly in the back of my mind. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. Add to that the fact that nearly all of my friends have had at least one kid, are pregnant, engaged, or already married. Makes me feel kind of like a failure when it comes to relationships because everyone always thought I would be the first to the alter and first to have a kid. There’s still a chance to beat my brother to have kids, but I’m not really trying to rush that. Especially if I get the job I’ve been thinking about. It would be rather dangerous and I couldn’t put a family through that.
Damn it all… Just let me be happy please.

Strange mood.

Would you? Cause I really don't know sometimes...






I wish you knew how much it kills me to do it.

Ouchies

Hopefully this will be short, sweet, and to the point.

I'm hurting right now, and I'm not even sure what's going on. My back is spasming and hurting... I really hope it's nothing big because I can't afford to have any more on my plate than I already have to deal with. Hopefully I'll be able to make it to classes tomorrow. I can't imagine missing already. And photo of all things. If it had been today that I might have had to miss, I'd be fine. Ugh.

That boy? He apologized for not talking to me for almost 3 weeks now. I'm not sure what to make of it. I just honestly don't care at this point. I'm pretty impassive towards the opposite sex... unless it's a party and there's dancing to be done.

Classes: going fine.
Guys: I don't really care at this point.
Friends: I'm working on making new ones and I'm excited for the ones I have!
Family: Praying for them always.

And now, good night.

-Tracy

Par-tay

Rachel Watson, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I love you to death, and yes, we would make an adorable lesbian couple.

So tonight was (obviously) Rachel's birthday, and the party. I actually just got back. I met some pretty cool people once I stopped thinking about how awkward I was being. I just started dancing and well, there were people! I need to hang out with Rachel and her friends more often, because they're hilarious. And quite funny when they're drunk. But hey, who isn't?

This week I had a temporary roommie, Kaylynn. I freakin' love that girl no matter how bad she is at watching scary movies. On Friday I went out to eat with her, her boy toy Ritchie, his roommate Michael, and his girlfriend Christine. Apparently the latter couple was fighting and she was just one of those people I could feel judging me. I didn't mention that I know Rachel J, because I know for a fact that they are good friends... so that conversation could have went badly. Thankfully, she didn't talk much. Her boyfriend, according to Kay is going to break up with her come the end of the school year because she's "a crazy bitch". I felt like telling her to tell him that if he wants someone sane, he can talk to me :) Let me tell you, homeboy is GORGEOUS. Oh, and tall. Always a plus.
Other than that dinner, everything was really cool even though I was hanging out with a couple most of the time. I really wasn't jealous and I didn't feel bad because I don't have someone. That, my friends, is HUGE progress on my part. I feel almost like a weight is lifted. I am not constantly thinking about my alone-ness... Instead I'm thinking about my friends and school and how I can make awesome shots (photography). I am in SUCH a good mood! I don't think the little bit I had to drink was enough to make me this happy, I think it's natural : D

This week has been good, other than being all alone last night. Good thing about that? I got my coin collection mostly all into rolls. J was thinking about coming up cause he wanted to cuddle, but, get this, his MOM said he couldn't. I'm sorry but at 23 I think you can make your own decisions. I told him today if he DOES want to see me, Sunday would work but I'm going to stop asking him to come up. Again, a big step. It's not like I want a relationship with him, but he is the one guy close by that I know at least likes me a little bit. And I basically said no more. I'll be his friend, sure. He seems like he needs them. But nothing more. I don't like how he only likes things his way. It kinda irks me. Eh. I still have S to tease if it so pleases me. I'm horrible lol.

Quote of the night: "Wow... if I accepted all the offers for sex I've ever gotten, I'd be a whore!" Hahaha. That is actually from me :D

Loveeee!
-Tracy

Finally

For the first time since goodness knows when, I think I'm ok with the fact that I'm single. Guys cause drama, and drama is to be avoided at this point.

I think I realized this a few nights ago when I was upset over, you guessed it, a guy. I didn't understand WHY I was upset, so I sat back and really looked at the situation. I don't even really like the guy. That really shouldn't upset me. At all. So now, well, he doesn't. Nor do any of the other possible guys that are in my life. I actually even told one of them that I'm not looking for anything serious, but getting to know each other would be cool.

Who needs men? I mean, it's not like I'm trying to reproduce right now. Hahaha!

Well, if Alexander Noyes wanted me, I would be ALL for that. Hahaha. I'm such a freak. But hey, he's gorgeous and funny.

I know it's horrible, but if I wanted it I could have like... well to put it bluntly a booty call if I wanted it. But that's not it. I don't WANT sex. Not now at least. Hormones may do weird things, but I can keep them in check.

It's time to focus on my friends. Yes, most of them have significant others but I think I'm at the point where I can be around that and not get ragingly jealous. Yeah, actually I'm sure of it.

That's all!
-Tracy

Continuation

I've decided to swear off men for the time being.
Meeting them? Being friends? Make out buddies? SURE.
Relationship?
No thanks.
I'm going to fly solo for a while. Try focusing on my art (even though not everybody calls it that), my school work, maybe even getting into shape.
I'm also working, quite personally on this one, on my relationship with God. You see, it's not that I've drifted... I just feel like I should be in a better place with my relationship than where I'm at. I'm going to try to devote a portion of time at least three times a week just to sit and talk to God. Maybe I'll type it up. Probably not on here, but somewhere. Especially after all my reading recently, I just need to firm up a few things here and there on certain subjects.

I really miss my mom. I know I just saw her, but I miss her. I miss my dad too, but I keep thinking about how many things are wrong with her health wise. She's doing her best to get things right, but those things you can't just fix. I want her to live to see me walk down the isle, to see her first grandchild (either mine or my brothers, doesn't matter), and to make them clothes. I want all of these things for my dad too, and I would be crushed to lose either of them... I just think about it more with my mom because of her health problems. *sigh* And now I feel horrible because I'm venting about my fears when my best friend in the whole world lost her mom not even six months ago.

I'm still feeling strong and independent, but I really just want to see my mom and know that she's doing ok... but that never really happens when I see her. I KNOW she's doing better than she has in a long time, but I still see it. I still know she's hurting partly because I live with some of it too. It's really hard having a chronic pain disorder, then throw other things on top? It's SO hard. I live it too, just not with the same things.

Mom, Dad. I love you. Both of you. Very much.

I'm doing my best here at school, but sometimes I just miss you guys. I suppose this is one of those times.

I hope this amount of thinking diminishes soon so I can sleep.

Ciao,
Tracy

Failure.

Why does every guy I meet try to take advantage of me? I mean... I just don't understand. I know I'm not the most gorgeous person in the world, but I'm not hideous either. I'm crazy and I know that, but so is just about everyone else these days.
So why do guys pick me to target?
Do I LOOK like an easy target? I sure like to think not.

I'm just so lonely.

February is coming up too. It's my worst month of the year, and not because of the weather. It will mean one year of being single and that same day is also the anniversary of one of my stupidest decisions ever. I know some people might tell me I have the Winter Blues, but I know that's not it. I'm lonely, missing my family and two of my best friends, I'm slightly stressed by school, and so many bad things have happened around this time of year in my life it's ridiculous.

I'm trying to keep looking at the bright side, but I'm so emotional sometimes it's hard. There are some AWESOME things coming up this year: traveling to Italy in the summer and Spain in the winter, my best friend's baby being born, getting farther into my major and hopefully knowing for sure what I'll one day be doing with it, and other things that I'm forgetting. It's just hard when I have nobody close by to call up and say "let's go hang out I'm in a fabulous mood" or "can you come over I need someone to talk to". I miss having people I'm super close to even relatively close to where I'm at.

Still, more waiting has to go on. Story of my life....

-Tracy

Why hello there...

So things took an interesting turn tonight.
I met a boy.
He's older, but we have the same sense of humor.
And he called me beautiful and cute and hot all in one evening.
No hopes are going up, at least for my sake I hope not... He's adorable though. I can't deny him that. Especially with that grin.
Actually, he just left.
Meghan would be in awe lol.

I suppose it's wait and see time.

Still working on those God thoughts. Classes start tomorrow, although I only have one and it's not until 5. Tuesday will be interesting because I'll have all of my big classes, and I'll be on campus from around 9:30 AM until after 5 or 6. Wish me luck!

-Tracy

So Far

Over my winter break, I've read eight books so far. Nerd? Yes.
I guess I can't help it sometimes. They're just so addicting and it helps me escape from the world whenever I want to.
I'm not sure why, but a lot of the books I've read over break have a lot to do with ethics. Life and death; when someone becomes more technology than they are human; who has the right to end a life... things like that. It really makes me think about my faith and how people learn what they believe is right and wrong. So much deep thinking, so very little time.
I wish I had someone to talk about these things with, but most of my friends don't think about deep stuff like this and if they do, they get anxious about it or really opinionated neither of which make for good debates.
*sigh*
Where's a good person to talk about God stuff to when you need one?

-Tracy

The Beginning

Hello all.
This is a new beginning. Of a lot of things I hope.
I'm starting out this new year with a bunch of new things:
1) A new major and new career path
2) A whole new set of friends
3) A new set of ideals (for my life)
4) An engaged and pregnant best friend
5) A healthier lifestyle
6) A new job (hopefully soon!)
7) A new family (my brother's in-laws)
8) A new determination for my life.

I started out the new year in a plane over the island of Honolulu. I watched the fireworks go off all over the island and even though watching game me a kink in my neck, it filled me with a new kind of hope. This year a whole bunch of stuff went on that was both good and bad, happy and sad. This year, I'm determined to focus more on me and what I need. I need to focus on school and on how to better myself as a photographer. Focus on my family and how they're dealing with the blows life throws them. Focus on my faith and try to get my relationship with God back to the point I want it at. Focus on creating new bonds with people I don't want to ever lose.

I'm not looking back anymore. What happened in the past shaped me, and that's all I'm letting it do anymore.

Here's to a wonderful new year!